| well im back for a min
i need to vent.
everything is screwing up in my life. i thought college was going to be waaay better than highschool, you know, without all the stupid stuff like what to wear and stupid stuff like that, although im not really much one for caring when it comes to that stuff, i just wear and act how i want to act, but i do care what people think, for some reason as much as anyone tells themselves they dont care, you cant help it.. anyways thats not the point of this.
ive had soo many problems since the day i walked out of that house, my parents' house. ive been struggling to pay rent, cell phone, car, for food, for my sorority. and i know, you could say, why are you in a sorority if you are constantly broke? well as a matter of fact im not sure. i mean, im up to my nose in credit card debt, and right now im jobless and im sitting here, and have been sitting here for days and days trying to figure out how im going to pay for sorority. but thats not the only thing im struggling to pay but it is one of the things i can live without. but honestly, i couldnt live without it. the past year has been one of the best years of my life with these girls and with the fraternity boys i call my friends. without them i would be friendless, besides my best friend and boyfriend i wouldnt have anyone else because all of my "socalled" highschool friends thinking im different than i used to be, when really, im the same person. a better person than them. i mean if all you care about is being a big bitch to everyone around you, saying whats on your mind no matter if it hurts one of your best friends or even if it hurts a stranger, i wouldnt want to be a part of that anyway. and for some of the highschool friends that moved away, we still keep in touch but its hard because i get sad and think about it too much. im really afraid that one of these days im going to get soo into debt, more than i already am, and im going to have to do without some things, maybe my cell phone, and more than likely, my sorority. the thing is, im not too sure if i could do without them. no matter how many things go wrong, for some reason i cant explain i would rather go into extreme debt than to be without my sorority. some people dont understand that. they say, just quit, if you cant afford it just quit, they will still be your friends. and, although that may be true, thats not the point. i feel like im apart of something that will do great things, that can help me be a better person, that can help me achieve my goals, whatever they may be in the long run. im not sure that i want to "just stay friends with them". i want to wear my sorority letters on campus. i want to have my big sis and my twin and my big brother, and i want to take littles in the fall. i want to go to date parties and formal with my boyfriend and exchanges with other fraternities. i want to be involved on campus, to be known as not only just a gdi but as a part of something great. i want people to know my name. i mean, lets face it, i wasnt too social in highschool, even if i wanted to be, which i very much did, i got into alot of clubs but outside of school i was never allowed to do anything i wanted to do. my curfew was 9pm even after i graduated highschool. i mean, for the first time in my life, i felt like i actually belonged to something and now im getting so frustrated with it all because i know its slipping away from me. i wish i could afford things like this and i wish sometimes that i was not poor. but i am. im not wealthy but does that mean i cant have the things in life that i want? my financial obligations are spiraling out of control and i dont feel like i can do anything to stop it. im losing everything i wanted to get out of my college experience besides an education. |
